Monday, November 17, 2008

Sartorial Outrage Mix

  • Gentlemen do not wear pleated pants.

    "But they're so comfortable!" you will exclaim. Of that there can be no doubt, but they also make you look like you have wide childbearing hips. This destroys any hope you may have of projecting a ruggedly masculine sexual aura. They make you look like a dork. Stick with flat fronts.

  • I just found out that the DC location of Les Halles closed last night. There are a bunch of other excellent frogponds in our fair city, but Les Halles was in a class by itself. I mean, they had free tripe on Beaujolais Nouveau day last year. Free tripe! What a damn shame.

  • Also, if you're wearing a suit, do not wear a shirt with a button-down collar. In fact, button-down collars are best avoided in general. They get all squished down and tubelike in the first hour you wear them. A straight collar (with stays if you're wearing a tie) makes you look cool and worldly. A button-down collar makes you look like a harassed office drone.

  • Thanks to Reuben for turning me onto the best of Craig's List, wherein I found the Best Personals Ad Ever today.
    I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm.
    Really, sometimes the immense and inexplicably beautiful variety of human sexual appetites fills me with awe. If I lived in Vancouver, I think I would already have dropped this woman a line. Just to congratulate her, if nothing else.

9 comments:

Robin said...

I actually read a quote from that personal ad on someone else's blog. She got very specific.

And, I disagree w/ the no pleats on mans pants ever rule. It depends upon the guys body type. Some are so slim-hipped, that having pleated pants could make the guy look more appealing. Really. I SO agree w/ you on the NO button-down dress shirts, however. Just looks, well, grade school, not professional.

Rob said...

Well, I suppose if you like men to have wide childbearing hips, then ok. In a world where career-focused attractive women have Jurassic Park fetishes, anything is possible.

:-)

Melissa said...

I'm not down with pleats, either. Yo.

pleasurefromthethorns said...

where does one do research for how to act like an animatronic dinosaur? when sean penn needs to get into character for a movie role, he watches film, reads books, sumberses himself in the lifestyle of his subject but where does one look for robotic dinosaur references? surprisingly, that angle is usually skipped in all the "how to please a woman" -ish articles in men's magazines. i mean...does she want the car-eating kind of dino-robot often featured at monster truck shows or is she looking for a prehistoric transformer (or decepticon...whichever you prefer)?

jeez...just when i thought i was starting to figure it out. alas.

Di said...

What do you mean by button-down collar? Can you post a pic? What kind of shirt do you wear with a jacket if not collared? I am confused as to your nuance here.

Rob said...

Wickpedia knows all.

Rob said...

Er. Wikipedia, I mean.

Robin said...

Well, true that any fetish is possible, of course. I do like Jurassic Park, but my fetishes have never EVER included witnessing the casual slaughtering of turkeys so thanks for warning on that one. I'd have headless running turkey nightmares. I was referring to a guy with essential no hips, much slimmer than the typical guy. They still need to be well-made pants to look right, but it's doable on the toothpick guys.

T said...

While we're at it, pleated pants on women are awful, too. Again, a stick person of a woman might be able to pull it off, but just barely--and as for the rest of the female population: no, no, no!

But I have to say: I'm not necessarily against button-down shirts on women. It depends on how they play it. But still sartorially iffy.

As for Triceratops in Vancouver--TCMTC! Not my thing, but fair play.

On another topic, is Blogger now Capitalizing Everybody's Name? It Looks Funny Somehow.